Living with Anxiety and depression is a bitch...
Having anxiety and depression...
If I'm asked how I am or whats wrong, I feel I need to run through the whole friggin series. For them to truly grasp the magnitude of anxiety and emotions charging through my body right at that moment while speaking with them.
Real piss easy stuff like the phone rings, or the door knocks, my body goes into a mode so hard to control. Fear, tension, panic, cold sweats! If its salespeople, I buy! I once changed our electricity provider three times in one day. It was the fastest way to get them to leave me alone. Being rude doesn't come naturally & don't like to say 'no'!
So then I found another way. Now, I hide!
I try to embrace in how everyday auto-pilot situations get me into such a state. I tend to make fun of myself a lot, and laugh off how completely incapable I really feel, but my reality seems so off balance to everyone else.
Piss easy stuff
The phone (at all), the door, the sight of a neighbour heading towards me results in;
*Heart beating in my throat *Clammy hands *Tension in neck, head & shoulders *Uncontrollable Shaking *Unable to keep breathing steady *Feel sick *Dizzy
..Oh, that would be lovely to meet for a coffee...
I accept anyone's offer of socialising, knowing full well there's no chance I'm going through a heap of anxiety for what they have in mind. A drink in a cafe? What, where there are actual people who might talk to me! No thank you, I really dont need to put myself through that.
The fear of not knowing who or what is around me. Seeing danger everywhere. The exhaustion it causes me really ain't worth all that for a coffee. My focus is too much on my surroundings than that of my friend. So I would come home not having a clue what was spoken about anyway.
Although I'm not to bad on processing some information, roughly 1-2 weeks later!
Strangers are easier
Yet when I am spoken to its something I really love to do, especially talking to strangers. It's normally quick, mainly positive and no judgement.
Those in my bubble
Instead, I like to save it up for my proper real family (mine). I will absolutely push through it for them if they want to go somewhere. They are getting to know how & when my body reacts from any particular event. Roughly 21 hours later!
- Drained emotionally and physically
- Feelings of Failure blah blah
- Bed for possible few days
Although I think some of those after-effects are topped with my Cfs/me!
It's a continuous cycle. Literally, any contact with the world and I fall apart! Why? Who knows! Its weird but I feel so claustrophobic when I do go out, and my main focus is 'how long until I'm back home'.
So I know it doesn't particularly make sense saying I feel claustrophobic when I leave my home, but I walk out my front door and it feels like the smallest space and not enough air!
I close out the front of my home from cars, people, and life. By having the blinds ever so slightly open, in a position that I'm unable to see outside. When my marvellous momma visits and open's them I lose the plot, anxiety charging at supersonic speeds. That someone may look in, see me and be able to read my soul! (She doesn't do it now, tries to encourage it sometimes).
Instead, I try to live with greenery and privacy of our garden. Calm, peaceful, the feel free factor. We want to move, but got outvoted by the kids!
Who are these people?
I feel that the people surrounding me are made up of something completely different to myself. Others seem so grounded and know what their direction is.
Or are they just really good at hiding there own bullshitness?!
Which then makes them untrustable?! like they have the secret to life. That then takes me back to the beginning. I have a big issue with trust, possibly the reason my anxiety reared its mashed up tactics in the first place.
Anxiety and depression make me feel like I'm not meant to be here. Maybe I'm in the wrong era (not sure which era I'd be in), definitely one with fewer people and cars 😉
Here and Now
Learning Mindfulness and how to be in the Here and Now has been so enlightening, that I need to tell everyone.
These issues that we face can absofreakinlutely be managed-ish-better. (I'm improved, not recovered)
Forgive your relapses
Don't get me wrong I still totally blip, quite often too. But I know this way of treating myself has way more benefits to it than staying in negative self-destruct mode!
Dig down deep and find that determination you've hidden away. It's there. Release the beast hehe...
You only get one chance at this life business so why not make it count. Yes, it's damn hard, so really try to accept that fact, let it go & in time you will move on.
Bring that positivity in by the truckload!
Since learning Mindfulness my anxiety is lessening. I know it's going to take time, but forward is forward, right?
***update; I began taking Cbd oil for my health and am having some seriously positive results check out this post. Cbd oil . (Again not recovered, but I'm working on it)
So come on now, take this is your sign - Get determined for 'YOU'
Keep a positive mind... Make it a challenge...
I don't think I've said enough about my struggle with depression here so will need to update! Soz sorry soz.
How about yourself?
How do you manage your anxiety?
What era would you be better suited?
Have you tried mindfulness?
Or Cbd oil?
Reach out if your feelin it?!
Take care & Be Mindful Peoples.
Love, Jorja xoxo