Hello, you beautiful bunch..
Do you know
How can we not be in the here & now when we are living it, right?!
Emotional, highly stressed, anxious, angry, frustrated, lonely, sad and overwhelmed, confused etc?
...I felt all those feelings, generally all at the same time, for most if not all of the time, wtf! It feels like it will never end! A constant stream of negative feelings and thoughts. You know, the type that destroys and drains your soul?!
The fact that I *cried non-stop *screamed and balled at my kids until my spit literally showered them because one of them behaved 'like a child'! *wouldn't open my living room blinds, answer the door or the phone *oh and hid whenever my siblings or out-laws would visit and peer through the window to see if I was there! (may still do this hehe shhh).
None of this had anything to do with being depressed. I felt I was just 'fucked the fuck off'!!
So yea, asking if I was depressed, my response, 'NO' just 'delicate'!
As I lay on my kitchen floor feeling they were judging me for doing my best. Constant pain and fatigue didn't help but no-one was labelling me with the 'D' word!!
Our brains never stop, it;
*Plans *Remembers *Analyses and for some reason *Our brain seems to naturally focus on the negative aspects of everything *Argues *Contradicts *Judges *Compares
Along with the;
*Endless laundry & housework
*Cooking - oh my days I struggle with this one! Possible food issue. I just can't seem to get my head around the transition from raw to cooked!!
*Bills bills and a few more bills
*Constantly refereeing battles between the kids
*Or between kids and husband
*Husband' coming home wanting our full attention expecting the house to calm & quieten upon his arrival! Ha!
*Tripping over the bloody dogs
*The bullshit mothers at the school gates all bitching and backstabbing
*Being judged by those who don't even know you as well as the ones that do.
This was me, thinking I was in the Here & Now. Wrong!
Modern-day pressures and people pleasing definitely contributed towards my mental state a heck of a lot. But if I said any of this out loud then it would mean I was failing! Anyone with me so far?
Our thoughts can become stuck, blinded and very repetitive. Negative thinking is fast & can so easily overpower any positive feelings or thoughts we have.
You may not realise what your mind is doing to you but the more powerful it gets the more dangerous it could be.
I wasted many years not facing my thoughts & feelings until enough was enough, wrote letters to my fam explaining why I couldn't live on any longer. I was broken. had zero left to give, deflated and alone. everyone would be ok! Still, I live with parent suicide grief so should have known better you'd think, buts that's just it, we don't think, we do, but everything is tainted so whats the point.
Then comes the Q ' What is the point in it all arghhhhh...
Thankfully I chickened out (well, postponed initially). I decided to listen to the loved ones in my bubble and saw the doctor, who listened, prescribed an amazing tablet (no shame bitches heha) and referred me to a counsellor.
Yes, my happy pill will of contributed to my hormone balance - if you need it, 'take it'. Although I really believe that being taught how to remain in a positive state and how to handle those intense stressy moments are down to mindfulness.. They found my hormone imbalance when I suffered Adrenal Failure in 2014...
Now at the beginning I literally felt a right dingbat, I mean how could this hippy-dippy shite possibly work?!
I'm a mess and you want me to 'just breathe' I thought! wtf!
As I lay on a bed (like a massage bed type thing) I felt as though I'd been set up. That my psycho lady was watching me, mocking me, I hadn't realised I was paranoid too, she wasn't taking the piss out of me, I tested haha..
I started to come out of those sessions a little lighter each time although each week it was something I could quite easily of cancelled, didn't feel it was worth my time as I had so much other stuff to do!!! Like sleep, or have another row in my head with anyone that dared to pop up!
My Happy pill obviously contributed to my ability to calm the fuck down, but if you are feeling completely disconnected from your body (like me), learning how to be in the here and now is another level everyone needs this in their life...
Since beginning this journey and it having such obvious and positive results I don't get why this isn't being taught professionally in school as part of their daily routine then maybe mental health stats wouldn't be rising so dramatically! Instead of the piles of pressure, they stack on them to conform and be dictated to. This is not a good start for kids mental health... sorry, random rant over...
Anyways back to...
...How to be in the Here and Now...
So the stages for me came bit by bit as I was unable to notice the negative thoughts creep back in and when I did notice this it made me angry that I had failed, I couldn't even do that right! Right for who though!! So I purchased a mindfulness book on my phone which has audible relaxing meditations.
This is when it clicked for me as it reminded me what I was meant to be doing haha..
It is a free app that you can get in the app store on mobiles called 'Relaxation Melodies' - Ahhhh-mazing.. My kids love it too, even though they won't admit it, they always ask for it on if one of them is having a crappy time.
Trying to get my kids and husband open their minds to the Here and Now
It took me months and months to get to grips with these techniques and boy do I now live by them, so much so my kids and husband are all in training (shhhh)!!
Don't get me wrong I still forget myself and begin back on the negativity trail but its short lived and again out comes the 'positive mindset fairy'...
I'm looked on more like I've lost the plot now than I did when was a blubbering lost soul, it's weird but I no longer actually give a shit (positively) and I love it..
This is an investment in your body - Truly...
Have you tried it yourself and thought 'what the actual fuck' ? or do you attempt to bring peoples awareness to the here and now too?
As you continue to practise 'being in the here & now' you start to notice it come more natural. Lots of activities can also help you to achieve this, mine is CRAFTING of course.
Leading me onto;
Next post is 'The health benefits of Crafting'. If you fancy it...
What helps you to become self-aware?
walking? (if you're lucky enough to be able to)..
I hope you find something in my words that can help you to move forward positively. It takes time, but truly worth it...
Starting by knowing what your 'Values' are can be very beneficial too.
Til next time soul troopers.
Love Jorja x