I dont know about you, but my Mental+Physical illness has completely screwed up who I planned to be. Which was, an active mom, that is... Failing this left me feeling incredibly guilty.
Being the mom that I am which is like an aged sloth, have felt incredible guilt for this! It gutted me the day the kids said that 'none of them remembered me well!' Oh my days, have I really been ill for that long, wtf have I been doing the last 5 years?!!! (The 5 years before this, I lost the plot with dads suicide, twins, ectopic, operations, pregnancy, debt blah blah)...
Feel incredibly guilty for your illness?
Watch your family as if you aren't apart of it?
Has your life taken an unexpected turn, rocked up a ton of emotions, and you don't know how to come out of the hole?
Do you stay out of the way, in fear of bringing an awkward atmosphere to your family' happy moment?
I was there, not that long ago! Guilty guilty guilty!
Let me tell 'YOU' now oh momma bear seriously, these are your babies(however old) &
They need and want you (fullfuckingstop.)
So I'm passenger in the car with kid1 (eldest), not sure how but the conversation came to my illness'... Cfs/me ...He is such a sweet, amazing soul, we have a brilliant connection and have some reeeeeaalyy deep talks, some a little too deep but I appreciate his honesty and openness! Sometimes! Other times I walk away & let his dad deal with him hehe...
I asked if it bothered him much growing up having with me as his mom! Meaning the happy - moody - erratic - sensitive - angry - irrational - calm - pained - sleeping being that I am! The 90-year-old sloth. What age do sloths live to anyway? Probs 50 but never mind.
Anyways, his response to my Q was;
"Wow mom, are you kidding me! You may not have been able to do the physical stuff but boy you have been there for me mentally and emotionally, and that has meant way more to me"
"Yeah I got a bit irritated with you not taxi-ing me about and shit (yes he has a potty mouth) like the other moms, but it never bothered me 'that' much! And I'm way more independent than my mates, they're all wet heads".
(Not sure what that meant, but it made him laugh).
Find a connection
To hear this was awesome, I really felt a failure to my kids (still do at times, no-where near as intense though). But it turns out that they all believe if I wasn't ill, we probably wouldn't have the emotional closeness that we all have (the husband took a bit of emotional guiding but slowly, he joins our force hehe shhh)..
Share a connection
Basically, all I'm trying to say is, there are other ways you can share a connection with your kids (&husband). With them being raised surrounded by my craziness it has enabled all of my kids for start, to see what real life is like, it's constant struggle of unknowingness and how plans, even life ones need changing as we go along. And that's ok!
They watch me being all bouncy and excitable on our rare outings, come home and shrivel into my cocoon to recover for 3, 4, 5 days! Not everyone is who they are able or want to be.
I've never tried to hide my pain from my kids, Physical or emotional. This over time, has taught them compassion and empathy. They are so used to me shouting out with searing pains, that can take me to the floor in pretty inappropriate places for a kid, like their school performances or the supermarket. Yet they sit with me until it passes and never seem fazed by it. In truth, they find it hysterical once the first concerns of my health are over and they know that it's 'one of those pains/feelings!
I put my kids on this rollercoaster with me, they weren't really the right height but I tied them tight and hoped for the best! So far they are smashing it.
'You' don't need to waste your time on guilt. Well, you do. But focus on how to fight your way past it - You really really can.
You just need work on 'yourself' for 'yourself' then other things start fitting into place. It's tough to achieve this & I'm not fully sure you can ever be fully recovered as I'm not there yet, but I'll keep you posted.
It's time to work on 'your' mindset and work past this guilt part. Dont overwhelm yourself & when you slip, get back up & carry on!
What about 'you'...
Do you find other ways to connect with your family?
Are you managing to maintain a healthy relationship? regardless of illness?
Has your illness robbed you of your soul?
Let me know your concerns...
Take care & Be Mindful guys...
Love, jorja x